Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
