Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
farters have to be the big spoon...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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