can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
