just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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