Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
