if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Randomize
