70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
