I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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