dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
