is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
