My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
