I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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