Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
