if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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