So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
