everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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