Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
