I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
