This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
