Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
So apparently I’m into choking now
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