So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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