It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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