nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
