And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
