she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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