I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
