I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
