I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
