Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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