Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
