I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
