Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
why is half of my head shaved?
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