I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
