My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
