Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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