In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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