Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
