there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
