Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
