Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
