God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
