I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
