i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hippo gnu deer
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
