dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
