genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
