are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
