tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
