i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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