just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
