There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
