Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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